Today I had a lovely yet depressing chat with my really lovely step-mum; for her safety let's call her Sue.
Sue, is looking forward to what she hopes will be a lovely xmas, her wishes for the day and boxing day are simple and devastatingly complex for someone living with my Father (lets call him smeghead) for Sue's safety), who is an abuser who thrives on drama and other peoples pain and misery. She also has an adult child who is also an abuser, and ironically my father and Sue's child (let's say Jo) loathe each other. They loathe each other because each is battling the other for control of Sue, and whilst Sue is still with smeghead Jo can't have 100% control and while Sue still maintains contact with Jo and Sue's grandchildren smeghead can't have 100% control. So between them they keep Sue in a permanent state of mental fatigue and cripplingly low self esteem. Sue feels so worthless she feels smeghead is a good man for still being with her.....
I know how hard it is to have a drama free xmas day living with smeghead, because he loves an xmas day argument - it doesn't matter how much you try to do all you think he wants, how you try to get it all perfect for him, he manufactures something, something entirely made up, to kick off about. And you, you spend the entire day walking on eggshells waiting to see if he'll explode, knowing he will but not over what or when .... or when he does explode what form his kicking off will take. Will it be verbally violent, will it be quiet, sinister and menacing, will it be physical violence, sexual violence, all of the above? You are petrified for the safety of others, I spent my xmas days scared for my brother, our dogs and until she finally was able to escape my amazing Mum ....
Ironically however my worst memories of this time of year are for smeghead and drama are new years eve - I hate new years eve with a passion, and try each year not to raise my head above the parapet. At work I will volunteer for xmas shifts and ask for new years eve off, not to celebrate, though I sometimes try, but to simply hide in safety and if any memories and depressions are triggered I am at least able to just go through them without worrying.
Any time of year with an abuser is horrendous, but at this time of year there are more excuses they can give others for their behaviours to convince bystanders that the abusers narrative if just and reality, or that the victim of their abuse should know not to do, say, wear, that if the abuser has had a drink. In smegheads case this is especially true of whisky.
It took me over a decade to be able to be around any male who was drinking whisky with any degree of equanimity. If my ex did nothing else for me it was to show me that not all men are monsters on whisky and smeghead being especially nasty on whisky was 100% his own deal, real or constructed or both.
I dearly hope Sue gets her drama free xmas, but I know from bitter experience if she does, she will pay for it over the days to follow, especially new year.
I have tried to have this conversation with Sue, now and then, she has listened, and I think she knows, she's even accepted we will support her if she ever leaves smeghead. However, she is simply too convinced it is her fault.
Her first husband was an abuser too, he nearly killed her on a number of occasions. So to her, smeghead rescued her, to her he is a knight in shiny armour .... although that armour is a little tarnished now. sue feels she owes him her loyalty, and he is of course pushing that narrative down her throat.
Xmas and new year is a dangerous time for anyone, of any age, race, gender etc living in an abusive situation, please if anyone tells you about their abuse, support them, BELIEVE them, listen to them. That's the greatest gift you can give them.
Below are some organisations who are available to offer support, help and advice to people in an abuse situations ...
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk
http://www.mensaid.com
Never forget that the main time a victim is in danger is when they begin breaking control, most deaths occur in male to female DV when the victim is leaving or has left ... pushing someone to leave maynot be the right thing to do at that time. Leaving often has to be pre-planned, with safety measures taken first ...
be safe and I hope all of you victims and survivors out there have a blessedly drama free season - I enjoy mine, it is hard won and a luxury I cherish all the more because I know the horrors the smiles and jolliness the holiday masks can hide.
my love to you all and I hope and wish blessing and safety on you all
bxxxxxxxxxxxx
