CW 🚨 re the Gaiman article etc.
Re Gaiman - It's odd but the most triggering thing is the sheer misinformation & hate Amanda Palmer is getting. His varying female presenting friends who've defended him in the past are getting love & care, such as Tori Amos, rightly so, the responsibility for his abuses is his. But AP is getting swathes of hate. Much as my mum, I & my brother have had due to our abuser.
So I'm going to be blunt, sweary & layout abuse 101 -
1 - We live in the abusers reality. It's like reality but a hall of mirrors reality in which everything is distorted. It starts subtly then progresses till reality is barely there at all. What they say is real, anything, and anyone else, is not real, not truthful, lying.
To this day I'm thought of by many in my family as a liar simply because he told enough lies about me they believe that over reality. That's how powerful abuser realities are.
2 - We often know by word, deed or threat or feeling that we will die, be sectioned (mental health hospital) or similar if we try to break out of their reality. My father tried for years to build a plausible reason to get me sectioned as a teen because I was vocal against being accused of things I didn't do. Threaten his reality? Punishment.
In later years after my mum was able by moving fcking cities, to escape (that's a whole other story of stalking, threats & worse).
The next year he held a garden fork at my throat. Out of nowhere, we'd just been finishing up gardening, no arguments. Just to remind me he could kill me & get away with it. I was 21.
3 - When you do finally escape physically, mentally you have a form of Stokholm Syndrome- You still live to one form or another in the abusers reality. Their narrative rules your life. This goes doubly if you have kids with them. Initially you will try to do what society & often the law require you to do; co-parent with your abuser.
Family courts worldwide are notorious for favouring abusers over their victims because abusers are good at presenting well. They're good at blaming their victims for the abuse, at making us look unstable to friends & family. My father did a very good job on all 3 of us in that regard.
Which is part of why the hate for AP is so triggering - because that's how it'd be for us if we had ever come forward openly to police, family et al. Hate, blame, judgement, putting his actions onto us.
4 - the article clearly tries to write a narrative of "in it together" "she must have known". Yet still the worst they find is a woman who is very consent focused - when she asked to take Polaroids of a friend & lover of hers to show to Gaiman, she explained (in the victims own words) why ie at that time they had an open marriage & would enjoy talking of each other's sexual partners, with pics if consent given. Now, this may be unconventional but it's not grooming, it's not "handing over like a toy" - it's a good faith interaction that sadly took place in an abusers reality. So he then initiates contact later, without AP knowing, playing his monster games & mind fcks with everyone & his victim blames AP more than Gaiman as a result.
THIS IS WHAT HE, THE ABUSER, WANTS.
He wants all his victims to distrust each other because it gets him a free pass. If they doubt, doubt their memories, they won't talk with each other about it.
We see this in NZ when AP was in divorce proceedings (began 2020). She's still in his reality, still believing he's more broken than monster - who wants to believe they loved & had a child with an absolute remorseless monster? Ffs she begged him, essentially to be human. This is something mum, me & my brother have done with our father before we knew he was a monster. Not capable of true kindness.
When Scarlett finally tells AP after 2yrs (2022) some of what's happened, AP gets her out Gaimans house. AP is getting hate for asking on phone to Gaiman if Ash was wearing headphones BUT think of it in abuser world.
She needs to get her kid who is with Gaiman in UK. She's in what will be a 5yr & counting divorce & custody battle. She can't fck up & needs to get her kid. She can't go full fire & brimstone for the victim because she is tied by legal cr@p & needs to get her son away from this fcking monster.
This she does, all whilst help victim escape & doing best to escape herself with her son. (See victims own words in article).
Now, I'm nor saying AP is perfect, BUT - if we look at it all through what living with an abuser is then it's so fcking clear Gaimans actions are not her fault. That in the mess of escaping that monster (that is still ongoing because he will not let go) she did the best she could at the time.
To note too Gaiman is blaming her for everything, so like the Depp playbook he's trying to darvo her. STOP HELPING HIM DO IT.
5 - In order to survive in abuser world you have to become a different version of you, not consciously but in survival mode.
It's not nice, or pretty, but it's literally survival. You can't be who or what you are or were before, you just keep doing what you can to survive that world.
It's important once we are out of that abuser world & processing a lifetime of trauma that we own what is ours but never take on the abusers guilt. That's theirs and theirs alone. They want us to feel guilt for their actions as it's another form of abuse.
It's also important to do the work to understand the mechanisms of abuse. That helps us recognise red flags before we're ensnared in the abusers reality.
6 - abusers are facsimiles. They don't feel things in the same way non abusers do. This is where the tv show Dexter nails it - they invent everything because they don't experience the world as we do.
They often target strong, independent, empathetic people as they find it a challenge to understand them & to see if & how they break. (Read Lundy Bancrofts Angry & Controlling Men, it has abusers in their own words. I have pdf to share if needed. Sadly LB is a transphobe but his work is one of the only works with abusers actual input & world views in their own words).
6 - AP will probably, hopefully, not read your hate & victim blaming BUT I do, other survivors do. & aside from being triggering for survivors who are still in that abuser world, still processing, you add unneeded & undeserved guilt to the pile they will already feel. So please 🙏 STOP. THINK.
The responsibility is his & his alone for his actions. Not his victims & AP is very much that.
Note - I'm not debating this. This is a statement based on my own experience & knowledge of abusers & how they work. It is NOT not a philosophical exercise.
Anyone who needs support re this in UK contact Refuge who have contacts for other dv orgs if needed ie Men's Aid et al.
