Queen and I

 Queen and I  - a rather long tale across several decades

Queen - Don't stop me now - 1978 Video

Content Warning - abuse

My relationship with Queen has been lifelong, thanks to my Mum. My Mum who discovered Queen as a teenager in the 6th form common room many years ago in the 1970's. For my Mum Queen were the band that made her feel like it was OK to be intelligent and weird and not fit in anywhere else. 

I was born in 1978, 43 years ago. My Mum was and is awesome, my Father was and is less awesome. Of course it's more complex than this as anyone with a toxic or abusive parent can testify, but with an abuser father you're always walking on eggshells. Never quite sure when he'll turn or not. So even though we had happy times, happy memories with him even, they were always shadowed with danger, trauma, real or the potential for it. 

When he was in work or otherwise away from home, home was a place of music and fun and relaxation. We had a big radiogram and on that Mum would play her records. Queen were frequent plays during our music time, and were often found on radio or tv music shows too. In Queen I too found an acceptance for who I was. 

Even as a young child I knew I wasn't a girl or boy; those labels did not fit me. I also knew quite early on that this was not considered "normal". 

Growing up in the time I did meant the auspices of Section 28 were very much a part of life in the UK. 

Section 28 a review and a warning from history by Pink news

Even pre 1988 we were never taught about any form of Queerness, no lgbtqai+ books in schools, nothing to reference. Post 1988 it was illegal for any teacher or school staff, or anyone in a similar position to "promote the homosexual lifestyle" which meant anything vaguely Queer was out. Queer artists became more and more important to any child under the lgbtqai+/Queer umbrella. 

Queen and Freddie took on more and more significance, not only because of his divine voice and their utterly compelling music, but because they were acceptance, they meant I wasn't "wrong" or "faulty". The world was wrong and faulty, but I wasn't. Queen were my community, coming from a small town, unable to be out as a child, Queen were who I could listen to without danger. 

At home my Mum was, and is, very accepting. My Father however, would say all the right things in front of others, but in private would tell my brother and I that he'd beat us straight if he ever thought we were "queer" - and when he did begin to suspect when we were young adults that neither of us were straight, his abuse escalated majorly. My brother was forced at 18 to get a tattoo to prove his manliness - my brother is now out as asexual and proud. 

While I loved artists like Prince and George Michael, they weren't safe to openly enjoy, as they were major Queer red flags to my Father. So they could only be enjoyed on radio or TV if he weren't about. Queen however, could be listened to and enjoyed anywhere. They were also, very importantly, artists we shared with our Mum, as we did and do many artists to this day. My Mum is btw the best gig buddy, she really is amazing. 

Imagine the power of songs like Break Free to closeted Queer kids. Or power of the video to a genderqueer closeted kid. Indeed images of Queen and specifically Freddie playing around with gender were incredibly powerful, and images I could enjoy in relative safety, where other artists I had to be a little more careful of openly enjoying. 

As my brother and I got older, into pre-teen and teenage years, we began to find ourselves. Still utterly unable to talk about our Queerness at school or other organised youth club style places due to sec 28. Unable to at home due to our Father.  But find ourselves in one way or another we did, found our music, grew, explored discovered. 

We were both badly bullied throughout our school lives but this escalated at high school. In my case this escalated to the point most of my year chased me into the toilets and honestly if they'd caught me I doubt I'd have lived. End result was being moved to a far kinder school, in late September 1991. A school where I connected and made friends with the alternative kids, the Queer kids, the not quite fit anywhere else kids. We were all fans of Queen, and discovered new music such as Nirvana, L7, The Levellers, etc together. 

The backdrop to all of this of course was the ever worsening HIV-Aids crisis. A crisis me and my new friends were following as best we could. Remember this was 1991, no internet, reliant on the newspapers and older mutual friends, family for info.

Earlier that year Queen had appeared at the Brit awards to collect an award. It was to be the last time Freddie appeared in public. The world saw then how ill Freddie was.

During this year our Father had begun using Queen as a sort of weapon. He'd put them on almost constantly in a tactic abusers use to take ownership of their targets music, TV, films. Then use the fact he'd played "our" music as an excuse to play his own music or movies for the remainder of that week, constantly almost 24hrs a day. 

On November 25th 1991 I was going to school, I had to be up at 6am to get the 6.40am bus. It meant I got to school too early so would go to the local news agents just by my school and get a drink, chat with the owners, read the headlines, occasionally buy a paper. 

That morning I saw that Freddie Mercury had died the previous evening. 

My world stopped. I was numb. As I made my way to my tutor room I saw all the odd kids, Queer kids, alternative kids, hippy kids,  the not fit in anywhere else kids, all red eyed, all numb. We all hugged. My friend Nancy came up to me by our tutor room and we just hugged and cried, and hugged and cried. Many of us remained close throughout school. Freddie giving the gift of love even in death. 

Not once during that day, that week, or in April 1992 when the tribute concert happened, did school address this major loss to their pupils. Or the wider HIV-Aids crisis. Not once, all because of section 28. The impact of that on anyone Queer who grew up in it's time is immense. 

 

At home this led to an increase in our fathers attempts to own Queen. It slowly began to work and by the end of 1992 we'd all had to put Queen on a shelf and move away. For our own sanity. We found solace in other music, other artists that our father found harder to try to own, though he tried, and tried. He eventually settled on just T-Rex 24hrs a day when he wasn't doing the same with the film Tombstone. Neither of which we can stand, despite both being great. 

Walkman's and headphones became our solace, though we weren't allowed to use them in the family room when he was in. Another way to control us all. 

Years passed, as they do, and eventually in 1998, a month before I turned 20 my mum was finally able to leave him. He continued to make life hideous for all of us and my mum had to move to another town and make a life almost from scratch (told you she's awesome). I muddled, I kept the home and my brother, dogs and me going. I spent alot of time in the local gay club, it was a time of alot of sex, mostly safe, and alot of dancing and fun. It was also a time of increasing abuse, physical abuse and worse from our Father. How we survived I'm still unsure, blind luck, mad stubbornness, mixture of the two. Who knows but survive we did. All the while Queen remained somewhat on the shelf for us.

Gradually there would be their songs on the radio, each anniversary of losing Freddie I always paid some tribute, even if just listening to their greatest hits on my walkman. Queen began slowly to come back. To become my rebellion anthem, my survival soundtrack if you like. But still on the quiet, like I felt as if, if I was public with it I'd lose them again. And that reflected my personal life, my queerness, especially my genderqueerness, were not something I spoke about. They were there in my private life, but not outside that. Fear ruled, I was scared of what my Father would do if he ever found out. 

In 2003 he finally moved away, a long way away. And gradually we began to heal, to really realise just how bad things had been. In so many ways the worst was over. 

Queen began to come back into our lives in a major way. We got cable, mtv, mtv rocks, vh1 classic etc. We got the internet and youtube. Rediscovered a love for their music and videos. Though still felt like it could all be taken. We had alot of therapy to go through. 

Life muddled along for a few years, we both got good degrees, I moved away for some years, came back home. Life went on and we healed some more. 

After I moved back we found my brother had some major mental ill health issues, that the medical people were ignoring. This in turn created financial issues as he spiraled. Luckily I had some savings and so we muddled. We fought hard to get him proper help and diagnoses. Through this I turned more and more to older music, my safe music. Queen, grunge, Wet Wet Wet/Marti Pellow, George Michael, Alabama 3, some new music like Hozier and Benjamin Booker. That crisis passed, then I got kidney cancer, in 2016. Came through that. All with old music. Still unsure how I didn't find Queen and Adam Lambert then, as I listened to alot of Queen. 

I returned to work, a carer, and life muddled along as it does. Still living in fear, not an active fear now though, more a residual fear. Life's ups and downs came and went, years passed by as they do. Each Nov 24th I'd listen to Queen and miss Freddie. 

I've cut out alot of years but they all sort of mush into the other at this point, some great stuff (seeing Hozier live with my mum god knows how many times features high on the list of great things), some blargh stuff. 

Cut to finding the The Show must go on: the Queen and Adam Lambert Story on Netflix. I loved it seeing Brian and Roger and John going through their own journeys of loss and hurt and having to put Queen on a shelf for a while helped heal the last of my hurts from then. It's sad that for John, Queen had to stay on that shelf, I pray he finds healing somehow. Then Brian and Roger found Adam Lambert. 

Adam Lambert down whose YouTube rabbit holes I dived and found an icon, a truly inspirational human being. Someone who by living and being themselves, through alot of games and prejudice, shows us all how to live. Within that week I'd come out on all my social media, to my family and work as genderqueer and bi and pan. I've listened to all the Queen and QAL I've missed for all these years, to my heart and souls content. I found Glamberts, Adam Lambert mega fans, fans for life, and some of the best people I could hope to know. Some are I hope friends for life. 

I have also bought 3 QAL tickets for next year, 2 for myself on 2 dates and one for my mum on one of those dates. I have been lucky enough to see Adam live at Vegas via livestream (one day I'll see him solo for real). And I am inspired to live my best life. 

Queen are the gift that have kept giving to me, throughout my life, to this day their music holds up to the test of time, and Freddie in his death pushed people to be better. In his name movements gained momentum, Aids could no longer be ignored, or given cursory mostly judgmental attention. 

Now because of the work of HIV-Aids activists HIV-Aids need not be a death sentence, it can be a disease we live with as we can live with diabetes and other chronic conditions. With the right medical care and the will to get this care accessible. 

Check out the Mercury Phoenix trust and the National Aids Trust  for up to date information regarding HIV and Aids around the world including the UK. 

Queen, Freddie and Adam are gifts to us all. Lets try to celebrate them all today and be inspired to be our best selves, to love, to be fierce for our community, all of our Queer rainbow. Share stories of people who live with HIV now, break the stigma and the stereotypes. And enjoy the gift of Queens music and art. 

Live in the here and now because none of us have a tomorrow guaranteed.  

Queen at live aid

Queen and Adam Lambert recreate live aid at Firefight Australia