The reality about Domestic Violence

It is often a fact that victims and survivors and their allies have little choice but to accept, ignorance about DV (domestic violence) is legion.

This fact is proven unwittingly by the Birmingham Mail 'journalist' Maureen Messent in her 'article' in the paper published on 4th April 2014. The article is entitled "Our 'holy cows' are own worst enemies", the 'holy cows' are abuse victims and survivors.

The premise of this 'article' is introduced succinctly in the sub-heading "The women who allow themselves to be used as punch bags are often their own worst enemies." The 'article' then goes on to argue that "battered women" are Britain's "holy cows"never to be held accountable for staying with the men who batter them.

The article doesn't improve from there, it goes onto to use tired outdated arguments such as these women let the police down not the other way around by not pressing charges while the police do all the work.

First rebuttal, current legislation means that law enforcement in England and Wales can use legal means to 'force' a victim to testify against their abuser if law enforcement believe this is the best course to protect the victim and any dependents including but not limited to children.

Second rebuttal, victims of domestic abuse ARE held to account, whatever their choices. If you are a victim of domestic violence you are significantly more likely to have involvement with social services if you have children. You are more likely to have your children removed if you do not leave once domestic abuse is evident to social services and law enforcement.

Third rebuttal, you are more likely to be killed or seriously injured in the period just before you leave and anytime after you have left your abuser. Your children are more likely to be killed or seriously injured just before and anytime after you leave your abuser. Your children are more likely to be abducted by your abuser just before or anytime after you leave your abuser.

In the same newspaper there is a story about a man being sent to prison for a knife attack on  his former girlfriend and her current partner (follow this link to the story). Even after she'd left him and has been in a relationship with someone else, she is STILL being held to account by her abuser.

There is a prevalent misconception that the physical battery begins soon into a relationship, that somehow the victim has made a conscious choice to be with a batterer. Not so. In very, very rare cases the abusers nature is evident right from the start to anyone, but in most it is a far more sinister and manipulative story.

They begin with charm, often with a tale of woe, an evil ex, a torrid childhood, abusive parents, quite often these tales are entirely fantasy or are true to a point but will more often than not be exaggerated or they will reverse the roles so they are the victim not the abuser. They will play emotional games, they will fuck with your head, they will begin isolating you from your family. The games they play are subtle and very plausible. When they tell you "there's no point telling anyone. no-one will believe you" you believe them. Usually this is because they have manipulated people involved to believe their edited, fictionalised account of events.

Case in point; my father is an abuser, he is a dangerous bastard, but he is charming, he can seem funny, and he can be very, very convincing. As an older teenager he and I used to argue, alot, until reasonably recently (the mid 2000's) I firmly believed this was my fault, entirely and completely. I believed this because others believed it, because he'd manipulated the situation so it was believable.

On these occasions I had begun to try to just sit and to speak calmly, rationally and not to get involved in the tit for tat he would drag people into. I sat calmly on the sofa and said "let's just sit down and talk about this like rational adults" - his reaction was to run across the room, shake me hard and yell "stop it, stop it, you're getting like a monster". His version of this series of events was so extreme, it had me attacking him and he, being the poor victim of the piece, having to physically restrain his insane daughter from physically hurting him. I have never asked for the details from Mum and Thom (my brother) as to just what exactly he accused me of doing, I've never wanted to know, though I am told it was horrendous and his wishes for me somewhat scary. Fortunately there was a witness to this series of events, my brother Thom, and he was able to persuade Mum of the truth.

These people are very, very dangerous. Pieces like this garbage do one thing and one thing only; they grant power to the abuser. They reinforce to the victim the abusers reality. They reinforce to the citizenry the abusers version of events.

It is ignorance and victim blaming. It is deeply wrong and isn't based on facts or knowledge.

I have responded by sharing this article on the birmingham mail facebook page. Please go and share your responses to this victim blaming trash on their facebook page. Let's challenge the ignorance Birmingham Mail facebook page - link


Sources for this blog posts are: -

Women's Aid - for women in abusive relationships
Men's Aid - for men in domestic abuse situations
Broken Rainbow - for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (and anyone else who doesn't fit a gender binary or straight sexuality label)
and abuse experience
and experience of formerly running a forum for abuse survivors and listening to their stories ...

anyone who is experiencing abuse please go to one of these organisations and contact the relevant domestic abuse helpline ...