The elephant in the room when your parent/s is an an abuser ... (image triggers, dead eyes)

Our biological father

Me

Inspired by a post from a friend about her abuser and children.


It is one of the areas of having a parent as an abuser that I talk the least about, in part I think because it is so intimate a part of my identity, and an issue with which is an ongoing struggle.


"Am I like him?"


Throughout my childhood an oft heard refrain was how like my father I was, at first it made me proud. Who doesn't want to be like their father afterall? Then as the true nature of his abuse and who he was began revealing itself it became a stick and an anxiety, a fear "I'm like him? I have to ensure I'm not"...

In time as my own recovery took root that fear became less, it is still there but it is manageable.  We had to realise that he's not just an abuser he is also a person and can be charming (all part of the abuser facade though) and the good memories we had of him were part of us. Part of the trouble is alot of who they are is actually quite superficial, so it's hard to know if they're sincere and by extension if you're sincere or if you're also as superficial.

Luckily I have my brother Thom and we keep each other grounded and don't let our fears run rampant these days.

Looks however are a little harder, you are what you are features wise, it takes alot somedays to accept those of my features most like his. It is an issue Thom is also coming to terms with ... again we help each other through.

What has worked for me is to look at the physical features as family features, those of our granddad and nan than those of his.

It also helps as we age we take more and more after our maternal family...

Also we learned the secret of the eyes - abusers have soul dead eyes, our father included, we don't, ergo no matter our fears, no matter our looks, our eyes are not his, ergo we are assuredly not him.


Their crimes, their abuses are their own, we may be their blood but we are not them. :) And they too are people who have likes dislikes and personality, admittedly not always a great personality and often accompanied by at least one personality disorder but people nonetheless.

Keep positive lovely peeps.