Victim Blaming - DV

This morning I was enjoying a cup of tea, the beginning of a week off from work, flicking through facebook. When I saw this come up via the independent website. Link to article - heavy content warning

The comments were generally pretty good, however, some where horrendous victim blaming ones.

Comments thread on the indies fb page - link with heavy content warnings

Sadly some of the victim blaming came from other DV survivors. Not unusual but deeply sad.

Sometimes it becomes necessary to be blunt and uncompromising when it comes to victim blaming, even when those doing it have been victims themselves.

Survivors above all should know what she faced. We know first hand the reality of dv. I will not victim blame her because I god damn know better.

Some victims get lucky, they are able to escape without being killed, their kids weren't killed. But they and their kids could so easily have been as many have been before and will be as we speak. 

Solely because they left. would it then be ok to blame their choice to leave, blame the victim for their death and that of their kids? Or just blame the only individual directly to blame the abuser?

Victim blaming is easy, too easy. "Well I got out so she could get out" is simply dishonest.

I spent sometime running a support forum for survivors, and each story had it's own complications, it's own nightmares. None were easy to judge, not one victim or survivor had easy options. 

In the one case the victim, lets call her Betty (name changed), was disabled, she had severe epilepsy she needed medication a few times a day to control. Her abuser never hit her, but he controlled where she went, she was raped daily, forced to have children with him, he convinced her medical professionals her "emotions" where too out of control due to her epilepsy to make an informed choice re having children, so she was effectively forced to give birth each time, her own opinion mattered little. She wanted to leave him but had no access to money, to help, even the internet was tightly controlled. The last time I heard from her she was scared as he'd tipped all her medication down the sink bar one bottle which he'd told her was for the kids if she ever tried to leave him.

I don't know to this day if she's alive or dead, if her kids are alive or dead.

But I do know this, I'd die fighting victim blaming before I dare betray that lady and the 100's like her I met in my time on that forum by victim blaming any victim.

Maybe others have made different choices to mine in their DV situations, but that absolutely does not give me or anyone else the right to abuse them further by blaming them for their abusers abuse. That is simply another evil in this world. We face enough crap without abusing each other.

Victim blaming is evil, pure and simple.

Please when you read or hear about DV incidents such as the article or any number of other survivors stories, please treat the survivor or victim with kindness. Listen to us, don't patronise us. Trust me we're good at mentally beating ourselves up, we're good at guilt. We don't need anyone else to blame us, we blame ourselves enough for two whole lifetimes.