Why aren't you angry?

 This last week I've had arguments with too many mra's (alleged mens rights activists, in reality seriously disturbed abusive men), pissed off white people, people who just can't see the realities of racism and misogyny, and god forfend they understand such complex ideas like privilege and intersectionality ...

Oh but that ignorance doesn't stop them, oh no, they have to try to explain their BS to you as if you're stupid, because of course you need everything fecking mansplained to you. Even apparently that mansplain isn't a word, except it is in the recent OED editions, so officially a word in the English language.

But don't be fooled into thinking it is just these ignoramuses who are the problem, that would be far too easy. No it is each and everyone of us who on hearing about a race issue going "well they shouldn't have been ..." or on hearing about a rape say "well it's terrible but she shouldn't have been drunk, stoned, dressed sexy ...." and the million and one fecking bullshit platitudes we mewl. Fucking get angry, stand up and be counted.

Because if you don't, if you join the ranks of the "well he shouldn't have been playing with a water pistol" "well he was wearing a hoodie" "she was out after dark" "she had been drinking and flirting with him all night" then you ARE the fucking problem. You are as good as the rapist, you are as good as the cop, thug racist freak who thinks killing black kids is ok because after all 'niggers' ( I loathe that word and all it means) ain't the same as us white folks ... For the love of god get angry, shout, stand, pick a damn side and make a fucking stand because mewling racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic platitudes whilst pretending not to be racist, rape apologist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic is fucking disgraceful!


Yes I can put all of this into coherent academic language, yes I get all the theories, yes I intellectually understand the opposing view points, it's still all BS. End of the day this is life and death, sitting on the fence shouldn't be an option.

Victims and survivors and cases such as Ched Evans

What a weird few days. The case of Ched Evans, a convicted rapist who is trying to convince various appeal courts and the public that continuing to have sex when your partner falls unconscious isn't rape - it is, morally and in the English law it is - has brought about something of a controversy. Should Evans, who is a pro footballer, be signed to any pro club?


In the ensuing internet discussions the most disgusting thing has been the amount of alleged rape victims who have declared even if she did fall unconscious it wasn't rape because it wasn't violent, then using their own alleged rape as a reason they get to question this.

Wrong!

Rape is legally defined as; - "The Act extends the definition of rape to include the penetration by a penis of the vagina, anus or mouth of another person. The 2003 Act also updates the law about consent and belief in consent.

The word 'consent' in the context of the offence of rape is now defined in the Sexual Offences Act 2003. A person consents if she or he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice. The essence of this definition is the agreement by choice. The law does not require the victim to have physically resisted in order to prove a lack of consent. The question of whether the victim consented is a matter for the jury to decide, although the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) considers this issue very carefully throughout the life of a case." link - click here 

Violent force isn't necessary for rape, lack of consent and lack of ability to give consent however ARE. 

As rape victims and survivors we don't get to stand in judgement of each other, we have to stand with each other. Irrespective of gender, race, age, ability, sexuality etc we have to stand as survivors, and not judge each other. No-one else will guarantee support for us and our stories so we MUST do so for each other. 

Drama free Christmas is a luxury

Today I had a lovely yet depressing chat with my really lovely step-mum; for her safety let's call her Sue.

Sue, is looking forward to what she hopes will be a lovely xmas, her wishes for the day and boxing day are simple and devastatingly complex for someone living with my Father (lets call him smeghead) for Sue's safety), who is an abuser who thrives on drama and other peoples pain and misery. She also has an adult child who is also an abuser, and ironically my father and Sue's child (let's say Jo) loathe each other. They loathe each other because each is battling the other for control of Sue, and whilst Sue is still with smeghead Jo can't have 100% control and while Sue still maintains contact with Jo and Sue's grandchildren smeghead can't have 100% control. So between them they keep Sue in a permanent state of mental fatigue and cripplingly low self esteem. Sue feels so worthless she feels smeghead is a good man for still being with her.....

I know how hard it is to have a drama free xmas day living with smeghead, because he loves an xmas day argument - it doesn't matter how much you try to do all you think he wants, how you try to get it all perfect for him, he manufactures something, something entirely made up, to kick off about. And you, you spend the entire day walking on eggshells waiting to see if he'll explode, knowing he will but not over what or when .... or when he does explode what form his kicking off will take. Will it be verbally violent, will it be quiet, sinister and menacing, will it be physical violence, sexual violence, all of the above? You are petrified for the safety of others, I spent my xmas days scared for my brother, our dogs and until she finally was able to escape my amazing Mum ....

Ironically however my worst memories of this time of year are for smeghead and drama are new years eve - I hate new years eve with a passion, and try each year not to raise my head above the parapet. At work I will volunteer for xmas shifts and ask for new years eve off, not to celebrate, though I sometimes try, but to simply hide in safety and if any memories and depressions are triggered I am at least able to just go through them without worrying.

Any time of year with an abuser is horrendous, but at this time of year there are more excuses they can give others for their behaviours to convince bystanders that the abusers narrative if just and reality, or that the victim of their abuse should know not to do, say, wear, that if the abuser has had a drink. In smegheads case this is especially true of whisky.

It took me over a decade to be able to be around any male who was drinking whisky with any degree of equanimity. If my ex did nothing else for me it was to show me that not all men are monsters on whisky and smeghead being especially nasty on whisky was 100% his own deal, real or constructed or both.


I dearly hope Sue gets her drama free xmas, but I know from bitter experience if she does, she will pay for it over the days to follow, especially new year.

I have tried to have this conversation with Sue, now and then, she has listened, and I think she knows, she's even accepted we will support her if she ever leaves smeghead. However, she is simply too convinced it is her fault.

Her first husband was an abuser too, he nearly killed her on a number of occasions. So to her, smeghead rescued her, to her he is a knight in shiny armour .... although that armour is a little tarnished now. sue feels she owes him her loyalty, and he is of course pushing that narrative down her throat.

Xmas and new year is a dangerous time for anyone, of any age, race, gender etc living in an abusive situation, please if anyone tells you about their abuse, support them, BELIEVE them, listen to them. That's the greatest gift you can give them.

Below are some organisations who are available to offer support, help and advice to people in an abuse situations ...

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk

http://www.mensaid.com


Never forget that the main time a victim is in danger is when they begin breaking control, most deaths occur in male to female DV when the victim is leaving or has left ... pushing someone to leave maynot be the right thing to do at that time. Leaving often has to be pre-planned, with safety measures taken first ...

be safe and I hope all of you victims and survivors out there have a blessedly drama free season - I enjoy mine, it is hard won and a luxury I cherish all the more because I know the horrors the smiles and jolliness the holiday masks can hide.

my love to you all and I hope and wish blessing and safety on you all
bxxxxxxxxxxxx

*Trigger warning* Judge blames victims for low conviction rates

Yesterdays (27/0814) headline in the Mirror

Woman judge says rape conviction rate will not improve until women stop drinking heavily

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/woman-judge-says-rape-conviction-4108960#ixzz3BgDc5MKy


This particular judge has a habit of screwing over victims of sex offences, including child victims of sex offences, letting off scot free a man who had over 7,000 child pornographic images on his PC including of as nine year old girl. However the ramifications of this continued focus on the responsibility of victims of rape to somehow prevent their rape - to essentially make women stop living lives and spend all of their energies in rape prevention, even though over 85% of rape in England and Wales are by partners, ex partners or family members.

On yesterday's Today programme on Radio 4 presenter John Humphrey's asked one of the female victims, a victim of child sex abuse remember, whether she could have done anything differently to save herself from the perpetrators. Not only are we blaming adult female victims for our rapes but more and more often we do so to female victims of child rape.

This piece discusses some high profile cases in the UK and US where this has happened, Link.

Here is another case from the UK in 2007 where a female victim of child sex abuse, 10 years old at the time of her rape, is blamed by the judge for her rape. TEN!

No amount of anti-rape nail polish or anti rape panties or pointing to victims telling them not to drink, dress nicely will prevent rape, the ONLY thing that will begin to tackle the problem of rape is to change how we socialise boys and young men, on consent. And teach all our kids from an early age that everyone gets respect and that consent to any act is imperative no matter what someone is wearing, whether they've had a drink or 10, whether you're in a relationship with them, whether you think they 'owe' you - CONSENT is vital and if you don't act within consent boundaries then YOU not your victim is to be held accountable.

The ONLY way to increase rape convictions is to stop blaming victims, stop pointing at them and saying "why did you drink/you're dressed like a slut/well you're a sex worker what did you expect/you were promiscuous/you enjoy sex so couldn't have said no really/ you were wet when raped? you must have enjoyed it/you weren't wearing anti-rape panties so you wanted it really/well she wasn't wearing anti-rape nail polish so she didn't care if you got raped or not....." and start pointing to the RAPISTS and holding them to account "why did you rape this unconscious woman? Wouldn't the lawful and moral act have been to get her help?/surely you were aware your victim was a child at the time of your attack?/why did you drug your victims drink in order to rape her?/why are you a rapist?/just because she left you doesn't give you the right to rape her/ and so on .... once we as society and the justice system starts holding the perpetrators to account instead of the victims THEN conviction rates will improve significantly and not before.


Just to illustrate the world we as women live in, and the power of male privilege this happened to a woman at this years Notting hill carnival, Link she was being groped, asked him to stop, he continued, she pushed him away he hit her hard on her face, she spent 9 hours in A&E (ER). Too many commentators have said of this incident that she shouldn't have made an issue of it. She should in effect have allowed this man to touch her, to sexually assault her (yes groping IS sexual assault according to legislation) and do nothing. Again it is her fault not his - BOLLOCKS!!

Out of curiosity I have done an internet search on male victims of rape blamed for rape - no hits on the first page of google other than two academic papers. The same search re female victims of rape blamed for rape produces more than I wished to read on the first page alone.

Even giving implicit support to any "what women could do to prevent rape" products, precautions etc is the thin end of the victim blaming wedge and we all need to stand up against victim blaming and be very explicit when doing so. 

*trigger rape* The Joggers Song by Roger McGough

Rape is a CHOICE by the RAPIST - end of discussion!

The Jogger’s Song by Roger McGough

Well, she was asking for it.
Lyin there, cryin out,
Dyin for it. Pissed of course.
Of course, nice girls don’t.
Don’t know who she was,
Where from, didn’t care.
Nor did she. Slut. Slut.


Now I look after myself. Fit.
Keep myself fit. Got
A good body. Good body. Slim.
Go to the gym. Keep in trim.
Girls like a man wiv a good body.
Strong arms, tight arse. Right
Tart she was. Slut. Pissed.


Now I don’t drink. No fear.
Like to keep a clear
Head. Keep ahead. Like
I said, like to know what I’m dooin
Who I’m screwin (excuse language).
Not like her. Baggage. Half-
Dressed, couldn’t-care-less. Pissed.


Crawlin round beggin for it.
Lyin there, dyin for it.
Cryin. Cryin. Nice girls don’t.
Right one she was. A raver.
At night, after dark,
On her own, in the park?
Well, do me a favour.


And tell me this:
If she didn’t enjoy it,
Why didn’t she scream?

(After leaving the Harp nightclub in Deptford, a 35 year old woman was raped and assaulted by two men in Fordham Park. Left in a shocked and dishevelled state she appealed for help to a man in a light-coloured tracksuit who was out jogging. Instead of rescuing her, he also raped her.)

The problem with 'rape preventatives' from a survivors perspective. *trigger warning*

So we had the anti rape pants Link now we have anti rape nail polish Link. Great, one more thing women can be asked if they were wearing, doing or not when on trail to prove they were raped and did everything to prevent being raped, because we all know it is up to women to stop ourselves being raped.

I can hear it now "well she wasn't wearing her anti rape nail polish or anti rape pants so clearly she was asking for her rapist to rape her." "If she hadn't wanted to be raped she would have had anti rape pants on and her anti rape nail varnish".

It is astounding to me that in 2014 we STILL have to argue against rape myths. So let's begin with the reality of living life as a woman in this world. We learn young that women can't go through life without the threat of predation by sexual deviants, usually male. At the same time we learn this we learn we have to alter how we live our lives in the hopes we will somehow prevent someone else from deciding to rape or otherwise sexually harm us. The sheer impossibility of this, just adds to the stupidity of 'rape prevention' culture and 'tools' or 'products'. If nuns dressed in full habits can be raped when cloistered in a nunnery by their priests then it is pretty fucking clear whatever women do or don't do does NOT prevent or fail to prevent rape.

So what SINGLE thing is it that every rape survivor and victim I haver spoken with and read about had in common? Yup that's right - they ALL had a RAPIST!! END OF LIST!.

Don't mistake me, taking realistic precautions doesn't necessarily hurt. I am a big advocate of anyone and everyone taking good self defence classes (speak to your local police station they will have details of ones local to you) for example. I walk home after dark with my keys in my hand and know how to dislocate a knee and hit someones nose into their brain, not to mention how to blind someone and knee their balls so far up them they will not drop again, but none of that means I can 'prevent' an assault or rape or mugging. It means one thing only I have the ability to defend myself to a point if it is safe to do so i.e. if I am lucky enough not to have an attacker who is a martial arts expert, who has high pain tolerance etc and so forth.

See that's the thing with thinking you can 'prevent' rape, it isn't like trying to prevent catching a sexually transmitted disease, you can control whether you do or do not use a condom when having consensual sex. The whole point with rape is that 'prevention' is NEVER in the hands of the victim, the point of rape is it requires the rapist to decide if they will rape you or not. You may get lucky and fight them off, or use your anti rape nail polish to detect a drug but you can not prevent your rape because you have no control.

Case in point where the intended victim  did get lucky - her rapist forced her to do oral on him, he didn't use a gun, he used violence, she was able to rip his penis off with her mouth run away and hand it in at the nearest precinct. Had he had a gun to her head her ripping off his penis would likely have got her shot.

Is it worse to be dead or to be raped but alive? Speaking as the latter I'd go with alive thanks.

As would Nancy V Raine, who wrote the simply wonderful book "After the Silence; Rape and my journey back" where she was a victim of a serial rapist, who also killed his victims but with her he didn't. She got lucky because her fear response was freeze, she was unable to fight back, to move, to speak, to scream - she was frozen. And that response was out of her control, it saved her life because her rapist needed that response to get his juices, both sexual and murder, going. He couldn't so he left her raped but alive.


Those two cases are examples of stranger rape. Yet the majority of rape is intimate partner violence, incest i.e. relative, friend or trusted family member. And in those situations using 'anti - rape pants' not only won't help but places you in very immediate danger of being killed or of you r children or pets being killed or otherwise harmed.

You put any kind of onus on the victim to 'prevent their rape' then you are basically saying to the rapist "well you shouldn't rape but well you r victim didn't help themselves did they. So it wasn't really your fault."

End of the day you have to ask yourselves this question "If I walked into a room and their was a woman naked, drunk or drugged or otherwise unconscious what would I do?" - because according to the logic of 'rape prevention' products etc you'd be hard pressed not to leap on her and rape her in a fit of uncontrolled lust. Yet my brother, step dad, granddad and my ex all would cover her up and call for ambulance and police. Because they are not rapists.

By pointing to women and telling us we need to do this or that to 'keep ourselves safe' you are telling us to stop living our lives. You are telling me that I can't get to and from work on the bus because the stop is a little secluded, just in case a rapist decides to target me. You are saying to every single female rape victim that she didn't do enough to 'prevent' her rape because you are saying loud and clear it is for women to 'prevent' rape.

There is an old rape myth that crops us every so often even today "you can't sheath a sword in a leaping scabbard" meaning is a woman is fighting you can't rape her .... therefore if a woman was raped well she wasn't fighting hard enough ergo she didn't really want to stop it. Todays version of that myth are anti rape pants and this nail polish.

Your choice is whether to be a victim blaming rapist apologist who believes rape myths past and present (i.e. an idiotic ignorant moron) or to stand with each rape survivor and in memory of each victim and say the only person who can actually prevent rape is a rapist.

Another true account, or a poem inspired by an actual rape Roger McGough's The Joggers Song. Link

At the end of the day, yes we can choose to take realistic precautions IF we have the choice and ability to do so, but at the end of the day it must never be forgotten or ignored that ... the only people accountable for rape are rapists. 

Rape and Rape 'humour' *trigger warning to all survivors*

                                This post greeted me today on facebook, from a page called Godzilla Memes. Hardly a                                  page you'd expect this post to appear on

So let me be clear as to what rape means, it means someone seeking to take power and control from another person forces sexual acts upon them. They do this by violence of physical force, violence of emotional manipulation, violence of threat to a loved one or loved pet, by beating down the idea that the victim has any right to their own body. Rape is not about sex. Let that be understood.
Sex is about mutual fun between two or more consenting parties. Rape is about power and control of the rapist, the rapist taking all dignity, all respect, all consent away from the victim.

What post such as this one, and all rape humour, do is they reinforce the rapists version of rape, that as their right to take all and more from their victims. The adult victims and child victims of rape deserve better from all of us. They deserve for posts such as this to be reviled to be held up for the sickening rape excuses they are. Anyone who supports such posts or who does as fb user 'Mathew Tully' says "Calm Down" to anyone who speaks against this ignorant, dangerous, rape apologist rubbish, is supporting every rapist there has ever been and ever will be, yes this includes rapists of children.

For rape survivors when this type of humour is about it tells us that our rapist was right, it reinforces the message that we did something to deserve it, that in truth our rape was just fun, that we are just being emotional and unreasonable ... Until you have been raped you have no right to do anything other than support rape victims and survivors. End of discussion!