More thoughts on Trans rights

Why is it that seemingly reasonable people wish to marginalise trans-women and trans-men?

Part of the problem is a seemingly legitimate fear of the male invading the 'safe' spaces of the female. There are some cases which seem to legitimise this fear, those of Christopher Hambrook, Robert Kosilek and David E. Megarry Jr. All of whom have committed crimes against cis women either whilst being trans gender or have begun the process of trans gender transformation after the crimes whilst in jail. 
Yes, it is undeniable that these cases are concerning. However, they are concerning because abusers and rapists attacked vulnerable people and may be in a position to do so using transgender safe rules and laws to do so.

Instead of calling trans women 'he' and focusing so much on whether they have been able or willing to go through the full gender surgery, there are many risks in re-assigning a penis, for example, to a vagina such as damaging the urinary process, lack of any sensation, incontinence, infection. All feminists need to listen and empathise with each other. Women, be we cis or trans, attacking and harming other women does nothing to keep any of us safe.

We must stop abusing each other, and learn to listen to each other and find a way to create safe places for all of us.

I will say it again you can NEVER gain rights for one oppressed group by removing them from another group, and granting trans women rights of safety and gender identity removes nothing from me as a cis woman. Not even bathroom safety as I've been threatened in bathrooms by outright cis men and outright cis women, not trans women - so my bathroom safety is dependent on the nature of the other people in the bathroom, NOT whether that person is trans or not.

We need to speak together about creating safe places for ALL women, not just cis women - THAT is what my feminism is about. Safe places for ALL, NOT a select few!

"Feminism is not an equality movement"? The danger of anti trans 'Feminism'

A group on facebook (at least one) that is run by a notorious anti trans 'feminist' C Brennan.

Their main position is that gender disassociation isn't real, you can't be trans because gender is purely biological and if you're born male or female then that is what you are. They generously allow that you can be a butch female or an effeminate male, you can indeed be heterosexual, homosexual or lesbian, you may be bi-sexual but they tend not to really accept that either, but you may NEVER be allowed to be trans. If you happen to read the site Gender identity watch re-loaded ~ link you will notice that the sheer violence of the language used against trans women is frankly scary. It is scary to me as a cis heterosexual woman, it leaves me feeling unsafe. If I feel unsafe then how must this violent oppression makes trans women and trans men feel?

As a cis heterosexual woman I am simply an ally, as an abuse and rape survivor I do understand the need for safe spaces for women, however I choose to feel this means all women irrespective of whether or not a woman is cis or 'trans'.

This blog The cotton ceiling ~ link is a simply wonderful response to the attitudes of transphobia as spouted by these radical 'feminist' groups ...

I would like to add that this focus this brand of transphobic feminism has on the idea that cis women created gendered bathrooms as safe places for cis women is utter rubbish. The idea of separate bathrooms was to protect men from the provocation of women without those women having the protection of their designated male protector/owner i.e. father, husband, brother, other male protector/owner. The entire idea of maintaining essentialist gender norms is protecting patriarchal systems NOT women. Please STOP using your transphobia as a reason to speak for all cis women and indeed all cis lesbians. You d not speak for all of us, you speak for yourselves out of ignorance, fear and hatred. Please just step back and empathise, listen to trans women and trans men with empathy NOT judgement. To do otherwise is simply NOT feminism.

I will say it again you can NEVER gain rights for one oppressed group by removing them from another group, and granting trans women rights of safety and gender identity removes nothing from me as a cis woman. Not even bathroom safety as I've been threatened in bathrooms by outright cis men and outright cis women, not trans women - so my bathroom safety is dependent on the nature of the other people in the bathroom, NOT whether that person is trans or not.

We need to speak together about creating safe places for ALL women, not just cis women - THAT is what my feminism is about. Safe places for ALL, NOT a select few!

Survivors and Victims are important

I have read alot of survivor and victim accounts overall but particularly recently. It is so important that all of us see both the statistics and the people. We need to see beyond number to the real people being maimed, raped and murdered by husbands, partners, fathers, brothers...

If you are lucky enough to survive, the mental and emotional scars don't really leave you. Even when you are years into recovery and living a balanced and positive life, triggers are just lurking. They can be very innocuous - this Saturday I was gardening with my lovely family, in the undergrowth I was clearing lay the head of a garden fork. Not the same one that had once been held at my throat by my father many years ago, (that one had been thrown away years ago). Nevertheless, this normal occurrence in safe company was very triggering. Even I said nothing at the time to anyone other than my brother. Why? Because I was embarrassed, ashamed of my reaction. Essentially ashamed that this abuse had even occurred to me, let alone that it still affected me all these years after in safe company.

If a stranger had come up to me in my garden and held a weapon at my throat would I have felt the same levels of guilt and shame? Unlikely. Yet because what occurred was 'family' even I, who know academically the theory and the practice of abuse, and am vehement about survivors being able to speak out, still carry not only a shame but a shamed silence about much of what happened. Including to safe people who know what happened.

We as society and as individuals must stop seeing domestic abuse as somehow only a 'family' affair, it IS a crime, theft, stalking, verbal assault, physical assault, sexual assault, rape, murder - ALL criminal acts in UK laws.

We as survivors and victims must also STOP blaming ourselves. And you guys out there NEED to STOP blaming us too. There is NO excuse for abusing another person. NONE! We do NOTHING to deserve what those abusers do to us.

There is a wonderful, though moving and triggering, piece in the Independent newspaper covering the urgent need for humanising victims and survivors of DV and seeing beyond the 'domestic' aspect to the abuse and related crimes.

My friend the murder statistic ~ article link

Normalised violence against women

So Earlier today a friend shared this picture on facebook. Without saying anything I showed it to my brother, who straight away pulled a face and said "that's bad", "how?" I asked, "It's clealry showing it is not only okay to hit women, but it is necessary to hit a woman who is motivated and has a plan".

It was good to know this wasn't just my thoughts and feelings.

I have seen this meme where the 'internet' was represented as a computer or some cartoon monster, but this is simply misogyny at best, at worst it is actively promoting direct violence against women. (cis and trans women are included in 'women' on my blog unless specifically stated otherwise).

When intelligent, aware, male and female allies can share images like this without seeing the hidden, or not so hidden, message of violence against women it is proof positive that those of us who do see it have a responsibility to highlight the problems and share that widely.

Some unknown effects of being a survivor

Recently I have been subject to a fairly common problem for survivors online.

That 'discussion' during which strangers think they get to tell you what you think and what you are saying. Rather than actually reading and responding to what you're saying. A bad enough occurrence, worse is the assumption that your zero tolerance for this entitled attitude means you're incapable of having a rational discussion or accept people who disagree with you.


Two of the nastiest things you can do to anyone let alone a survivor are a) speak for another person in words other than their own if they can speak for themselves and have done so; - we fight hard to gain our voices as survivors as our abusers work so diligently to remove our voices our words our power. So imagine then if in order to 'win' some internet conversation that is what you assume a right to do so someone? b) not listening to what a person is saying. Agree or disagree as is everyone's right, but to not listen and deride that person based on your inability to listen is exactly what an abuser done. These are bad enough to do to anyone but to someone who has identified as a survivor to you? These are just outright abuse.

This is why I take a zero tolerance to these tactics being used against me or on any forum I run.

Inappropriate Jokes about Oscar Pistorias ... or rather Reeva Steenkamp

Okay I know this piece may well get labeled "humourless feminazi" ... but tough.

I was disgusted to see this image on facebook earlier, shared by someone I hadn't expected to do so.

Let's bring this away from the abuser for a moment to the murder victim, his abuse victim.

She didn't go to the toilet, she hadn't locked herself in the loo for a bit of privacy while she peed. She ran into the bathroom in fear of her life. Knowing that the person she loved, the person she was now fleeing from had it in his power to kill her.

This fear is NOT a joke, it is no more funny than a rape joke. It is very real.

According to Women's Aid UK 2 women a week are killed by a current or former partner as a direct result of an abusive relationship.

Each time they physically and sexually abuse you, that fear is there in the back of your throat. But you're conditioned to believe it is your fault, either you're overreacting or you caused the abuser to act as they did, or you're imagining things. That is how the abuse becomes more intense, however it is as you begin to see the reality, to break free of the abusers constructed reality that you are in the most danger. This is what happened with Reeva Steenkamp. She was beginning to question his reality, she told him his behaviour scared her.

With me the way my abuser (who also happened to be my father) reinforced his control was by out of the blue holding a garden fork to my throat. No preceding argument, no negativity, just a pleasant summers evening gardening, we'd had a bonfire of garden waste and had been extinguishing it for the evening. The sun had almost gone down, there was just the embers from the fire. I will never forget the glow from them on his face as I turned around and he held that fork at my throat. His face was contorted into a dark grin, his eyes told me he could kill me or not and barely care. I knew he would have simply concocted some story as he had done before that I'd lost my temper and went for him, and in my rage hadn't seen the fork ... worse is knowing how few people would have questioned that version of events. Standing there, just knowing there was no fighting back, as the fork was right against my throat so to do so would, in his eyes, have made the decision for him.

I understand the fear that Reeva Steenkamp felt, I understand the sheer mind numbing, horror and the incomprehension of the situation even as it's happening.

So no this is NOT something to joke about this is happening to someone right NOW - as I write this, as you read this, somewhere there is someone fleeing or fighting for their life, exactly as Reeva Steenkamp did. And it is possible, even probable, that their abuser will succeed and kill them, or succeed and rape them.

It isn't funny, it isn't clever, it isn't witty, it is taking away from what this woman faced at the end of her life, the very real fear that, that son of a bitch put her through when he murdered her. The very real fear every abusive bastard (and bitch) put their victims through. And each time they murder their victims or push their victims to suicide that fear is simply indescribable.

I would hope that each and every person who sees this 'joke' and any like it posts this blog or one like it and brings the reality of just why these 'jokes' are NOT jokes and are NOT funny.

That woman deserves better - keep it about Reeva NOT that disgusting excuse for a person her abuser. And NEVER about making her end of life fear into a fucking internet meme 'joke' ...

The reality about Domestic Violence

It is often a fact that victims and survivors and their allies have little choice but to accept, ignorance about DV (domestic violence) is legion.

This fact is proven unwittingly by the Birmingham Mail 'journalist' Maureen Messent in her 'article' in the paper published on 4th April 2014. The article is entitled "Our 'holy cows' are own worst enemies", the 'holy cows' are abuse victims and survivors.

The premise of this 'article' is introduced succinctly in the sub-heading "The women who allow themselves to be used as punch bags are often their own worst enemies." The 'article' then goes on to argue that "battered women" are Britain's "holy cows"never to be held accountable for staying with the men who batter them.

The article doesn't improve from there, it goes onto to use tired outdated arguments such as these women let the police down not the other way around by not pressing charges while the police do all the work.

First rebuttal, current legislation means that law enforcement in England and Wales can use legal means to 'force' a victim to testify against their abuser if law enforcement believe this is the best course to protect the victim and any dependents including but not limited to children.

Second rebuttal, victims of domestic abuse ARE held to account, whatever their choices. If you are a victim of domestic violence you are significantly more likely to have involvement with social services if you have children. You are more likely to have your children removed if you do not leave once domestic abuse is evident to social services and law enforcement.

Third rebuttal, you are more likely to be killed or seriously injured in the period just before you leave and anytime after you have left your abuser. Your children are more likely to be killed or seriously injured just before and anytime after you leave your abuser. Your children are more likely to be abducted by your abuser just before or anytime after you leave your abuser.

In the same newspaper there is a story about a man being sent to prison for a knife attack on  his former girlfriend and her current partner (follow this link to the story). Even after she'd left him and has been in a relationship with someone else, she is STILL being held to account by her abuser.

There is a prevalent misconception that the physical battery begins soon into a relationship, that somehow the victim has made a conscious choice to be with a batterer. Not so. In very, very rare cases the abusers nature is evident right from the start to anyone, but in most it is a far more sinister and manipulative story.

They begin with charm, often with a tale of woe, an evil ex, a torrid childhood, abusive parents, quite often these tales are entirely fantasy or are true to a point but will more often than not be exaggerated or they will reverse the roles so they are the victim not the abuser. They will play emotional games, they will fuck with your head, they will begin isolating you from your family. The games they play are subtle and very plausible. When they tell you "there's no point telling anyone. no-one will believe you" you believe them. Usually this is because they have manipulated people involved to believe their edited, fictionalised account of events.

Case in point; my father is an abuser, he is a dangerous bastard, but he is charming, he can seem funny, and he can be very, very convincing. As an older teenager he and I used to argue, alot, until reasonably recently (the mid 2000's) I firmly believed this was my fault, entirely and completely. I believed this because others believed it, because he'd manipulated the situation so it was believable.

On these occasions I had begun to try to just sit and to speak calmly, rationally and not to get involved in the tit for tat he would drag people into. I sat calmly on the sofa and said "let's just sit down and talk about this like rational adults" - his reaction was to run across the room, shake me hard and yell "stop it, stop it, you're getting like a monster". His version of this series of events was so extreme, it had me attacking him and he, being the poor victim of the piece, having to physically restrain his insane daughter from physically hurting him. I have never asked for the details from Mum and Thom (my brother) as to just what exactly he accused me of doing, I've never wanted to know, though I am told it was horrendous and his wishes for me somewhat scary. Fortunately there was a witness to this series of events, my brother Thom, and he was able to persuade Mum of the truth.

These people are very, very dangerous. Pieces like this garbage do one thing and one thing only; they grant power to the abuser. They reinforce to the victim the abusers reality. They reinforce to the citizenry the abusers version of events.

It is ignorance and victim blaming. It is deeply wrong and isn't based on facts or knowledge.

I have responded by sharing this article on the birmingham mail facebook page. Please go and share your responses to this victim blaming trash on their facebook page. Let's challenge the ignorance Birmingham Mail facebook page - link


Sources for this blog posts are: -

Women's Aid - for women in abusive relationships
Men's Aid - for men in domestic abuse situations
Broken Rainbow - for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (and anyone else who doesn't fit a gender binary or straight sexuality label)
and abuse experience
and experience of formerly running a forum for abuse survivors and listening to their stories ...

anyone who is experiencing abuse please go to one of these organisations and contact the relevant domestic abuse helpline ...